Listening is one of those skills we often take for granted. After all, we listen to each other all the time, right? But is that truly listening? Well, that’s something different entirely. It’s not just about hearing—it’s about understanding, empathising, and empowering others.
I’d like to draw on an exercise developed by Helen Sieroda at the Coaching School Wise Goose Limited, shared by Holly Everett on the “Two Inconvenient Women” podcast (Listen to the episode here: Exploring the Inconvenience of Empathy). This method is all about how small shifts in our perspectives can transform the way we connect with others, especially when they’re sharing something difficult or challenging.
The exercise breaks down listening into three rounds, each offering a different lens through which to engage with someone in need of support (sympathy, empathy, interconnectedness). When I tried out the exercise with my students, I added an additional fourth round (holding space). Let’s explore them.
Round One: Sympathy – The Desire to Fix
Imagine someone is sitting across from you, sharing their struggles. What’s your gut reaction? Most of us, especially when we care, are quick to jump in with solutions. We want to help, fix the problem, ease their pain. And that’s where sympathy comes in.
Sympathy comes from a good place—it’s about recognising someone’s pain and wanting to make it better. But here’s the interesting part: even though sympathy feels caring, it can sometimes take away someone’s power to work through their own challenges.
Rather than offering advice right away, what if you simply acknowledge their frustration? For example, instead of immediately offering solutions, you might say, “That sounds incredibly frustrating,” or “I can see why you’re upset.” By validating their feelings, you’re empowering them to navigate their struggle in their own way, without inadvertently taking away their agency.
Round Two: Empathy – Recognising Strengths
Once we’ve acknowledged their pain, the next step is empathy. While sympathy focuses on the pain, empathy highlights the individual’s strength and capacity to handle their challenges.
Empathy isn’t about pretending the problem doesn’t exist; it’s about recognising resilience. If your friend is facing a work conflict, instead of saying, “You should talk to this person or do this,” you could ask, “You’ve always been great at navigating tricky situations. What strengths do you think you can draw on to help with this one?”
This shift empowers the person to tap into their own resources, fostering a deeper sense of self-belief and control. It’s about seeing not only their struggle but also their ability to overcome it.
Round Three: Interconnectedness – Looking at the Bigger Picture
Now, let’s zoom out. Round three invites us to take a broader perspective. This is about seeing someone’s challenge as part of a larger framework, rather than a personal issue isolated to them. We start to consider how societal, cultural, or even universal experiences might be influencing their feelings.
For example, if someone is struggling with career inadequacy, an interconnected perspective might consider how societal expectations, or systemic influences contribute to those feelings of inadequacy. Instead of seeing it as a personal flaw, we recognise it as part of a bigger picture—something that many people might face due to wider forces at play.
Round Four: Holding Space – The Art of Simply Being There
Finally, we come to perhaps the most challenging yet transformative shift: holding space. What does it mean to hold space for someone? Simply put, it’s about creating a safe, judgment-free space where the person can fully express themselves. It’s about listening deeply, without interruption or analysis, and without the urge to “fix” things.
Holding space means letting go of the instinct to offer solutions or advice and simply being present. It’s surprisingly difficult, as our natural inclination is to try and make things better. But true growth and healing often happen when someone is allowed to express themselves without judgment—just the freedom to be.
By letting someone express themselves fully, without jumping in to solve the problem, we allow them to connect with their own inner wisdom and find their own solutions. And that’s where the real power of listening lies.
Practical Applications in Everyday Conversations
It’s important to note that we don’t have one style of listening in a single conversation. We might move between them fluidly. But what’s important is the intention behind how we listen.
In everyday interactions, these approaches can profoundly improve our connections. For example, instead of jumping straight into fix-it mode during a conversation with a colleague, you can acknowledge their feelings: “I’ve noticed a lot of people hitting roadblocks with this project. Are you experiencing any of the same challenges?” This not only normalises their struggle but also provides context, allowing them to feel less alone in their experience.
And remember, even in lighter conversations, practising these listening techniques can lead to deeper connections. Sometimes, just being present and truly hearing someone, even about something as trivial as their day, can make a difference.
Shifting from a Fix-It Mindset
We’ve all been there—feeling the urge to “fix” someone’s problems. It’s part of human nature, especially when we care about others. But as this training emphasises, the most powerful thing we can do is simply be present and listen.
While holding space is challenging, it’s a skill that can be developed with awareness. By noticing when we’re about to jump in with solutions, we can pause and refocus on listening. And when silence feels awkward, we can lean into empathy and interconnectedness to show that we’re fully present.
Conclusion: The Practice of Listening
At the heart of all of this is a simple but profound shift: moving from a mindset of fixing to one of empowering. Listening with empathy, interconnectedness, and an open heart creates space for growth, healing, and authentic connection.
Remember, this isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being more mindful, more compassionate, and more present in our conversations. The more we practise these approaches, the more natural they’ll become, leading to richer, more meaningful connections with others.
If you’d like to continue exploring how to implement these listening techniques into your conversations, we meet bi-weekly online in “The Coaching Sandbox”. There, we’ll be diving deeper into the challenges and rewards of putting these ideas into action.
Thanks for reading, and I hope this exercise from Helen Sieroda inspires you to listen in a more intentional, compassionate way! And if you get a chance, listen to Holly Everett and Rachel Musson from ThoughtBox Education on their Two Inconvenient Women Podcast.
Candida Javaid is a coach with over 10 years of experience, helping individuals and organisations unlock their potential. With a focus on reflective practice and empathy, she empowers clients to overcome challenges and achieve their goals in a safe, non-judgmental space.
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