I had a conversation with a client yesterday about the good old why question. And once again, my answer was: it depends. Sometimes “why” gets you there faster. But shortcuts are not always what is needed.
I actually started thinking about this when I noticed I had stopped journalling. Things had got a bit tricky. Rumination crept in. And the journalling habit just disappeared. Like a light switch. No slow fade. Just gone. A habit that had been with me for years just vanished. The notebook got tidied onto a shelf and that was that. Out of sight, out of mind.
I did not even notice the journal-shaped gap in my day. Occasionally I thought about it, but my inner dialogue was very convincing. “Now is not the right time.” “You have got too much on.” “You are fine without it.”
Once I realised what had happened, I did not rush to fix it. Because I really did not want to write. I did not want to open the journal or pick up the pen. What would I even write about? There was nothing new to say. I had things to do. I was busy.
But eventually I started to wonder: had I fallen into the “why” trap? Was I trying to justify? Getting defensive? Feeling judged by myself? Oops.
Even with that insight, I was not any closer to my journal. But something shifted. Instead of why, other questions started to emerge gently and quietly.
“What is it that I need to do now?”, “How would I know this was a good day?”
I did not answer them. I did not try to. I just sat with them.
One afternoon, I sat in the garden for 45 minutes and let those questions be present. No agenda. No solving. I even asked my subconscious to notice if there were any patterns it wanted to show me.
I did not get up with a breakthrough. Just a small shift. A feeling of lightness. A whisper of “We got this.”
Since then, I have started writing again. It is different now. More tender, less taken for granted. And I am learning to notice when “why” shows up and whether it needs to stay in its form or shape-shift into another question. One my subconscious might offer up, when I am ready to listen.
So the “why” question shows up in many guises, helpful or not so much. The key is learning to recognise it.
And maybe part of the reason I stay full of questions (and “whys”) is because, deep down, I am avoiding knowing. Avoiding making a stance. Sitting more in the role of bystander or observer, rather than stepping into movement.
(Thank you to Dr Paul Lawrence for introducing me to David Kantor’s Structural Dynamics.)
So I think, for now, my work is not to chase answers, but to slowly get clearer about what keeps me where I am, and what could help me choose to move.
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If you find yourself feeling stuck, or sensing that you’re ready to move but unsure how, this is the kind of space coaching is made for.
I would be happy to explore it with you.
Candida Javaid Coaching & Mentoring 